February 7 & 8, 2007
My feelings are still up and down and totally mixed up. I can seem okay one minute and then start bawling the next. I cry alot on my way to work ,I'm not sure what that is about. I am trying to figure out the trigger. If only people really, really knew to value and appreciate the time they have with their loved ones as it can be taken so soon. I'm glad my dad was so good to me...Because you loved me by Celine Dion...really expresses how I feel about my dad..I believe the song isn't meant to her dad...as she uses the word "baby" but the other words really speak volumes about how i feel. Ethan's bday...next Fri...that's so hard to know that my dad won't be here for it..and last year he was still here and doing okay. He would of loved to have been here, he would be so excited getting ready to call him to wish him well. Poor, sweet Ethan...I hope that I am doing enough on my part so that he will remember his "Grandpa, Poppa". I want/need him to know that he was so, so loved by him.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
February 6, 2007
I just realized that it has now been two months since my dad passed...wow where did the time go? My meeting last night was good, learned alot of things. Had a cry...one woman said right away that she could tell I was really close to my dad. The hospital meeting this morning went really well....I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am so glad it happened...so so glad.
I just realized that it has now been two months since my dad passed...wow where did the time go? My meeting last night was good, learned alot of things. Had a cry...one woman said right away that she could tell I was really close to my dad. The hospital meeting this morning went really well....I feel as though a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I am so glad it happened...so so glad.
Monday, February 5, 2007
February 5, 2007
My weekend was good, was busy shopping with Mandy, went to Liz's..mom's friend was down from MOntreal. Talked about my dad a fair bit. My meeting is tomorrow, so I have to prepare the questions I have for tomorrow. Right now I'm not nervous, and I don't plan on being nervous tomorrow, I am going to do my best not to cry. I am so emotional, that hospital itself will do it to me. I may be brave and venture up to the fourth floor and say HI and Thank-you againto the nurses. I miss, miss my dad...I thought on Friday when I was at the mall how I might bump into my "parents"...it hits and causes anxiety. Tonight is my group meeting and I am very much looking forward to it. It won't bring my dad back, but any help in helping myself through this works for me. I'am learning to calm myself down better than before and stopping myself (at times) from allowing my anger to get the best of me. This are things I will continually have to work on. Liz lost her dad 9 years ago and she said you never stop missing them, or wanting them back. Which is so true, to think I'll never see him alive, how awful...I have his voice on my phone which I am so grateful for. To be honest, that day I was filiming my nephew I was annoyed at the talking...can you imagine how it's benefiting me now. I just wanted my nephews laughter to be on the video...now I feel badly for even thinking that at the time.. REally badly...guitly for so many things, but I know it was life and situations that presents themselves at the time. We all have regrets about heated arguments and words you wish never left your mouth. My dad was so good, such a sweet, sweet man.
My weekend was good, was busy shopping with Mandy, went to Liz's..mom's friend was down from MOntreal. Talked about my dad a fair bit. My meeting is tomorrow, so I have to prepare the questions I have for tomorrow. Right now I'm not nervous, and I don't plan on being nervous tomorrow, I am going to do my best not to cry. I am so emotional, that hospital itself will do it to me. I may be brave and venture up to the fourth floor and say HI and Thank-you againto the nurses. I miss, miss my dad...I thought on Friday when I was at the mall how I might bump into my "parents"...it hits and causes anxiety. Tonight is my group meeting and I am very much looking forward to it. It won't bring my dad back, but any help in helping myself through this works for me. I'am learning to calm myself down better than before and stopping myself (at times) from allowing my anger to get the best of me. This are things I will continually have to work on. Liz lost her dad 9 years ago and she said you never stop missing them, or wanting them back. Which is so true, to think I'll never see him alive, how awful...I have his voice on my phone which I am so grateful for. To be honest, that day I was filiming my nephew I was annoyed at the talking...can you imagine how it's benefiting me now. I just wanted my nephews laughter to be on the video...now I feel badly for even thinking that at the time.. REally badly...guitly for so many things, but I know it was life and situations that presents themselves at the time. We all have regrets about heated arguments and words you wish never left your mouth. My dad was so good, such a sweet, sweet man.
Friday, February 2, 2007
February 2, 2007
Awww Friday, 2 days off...2 days to have some more time to think about things and 2 days closer to Monday night meeting. I really enjoy what I learned and what to continually learn from the people at the meetings. Funny how you feel so close to people just by sharing the similar experiences. Seriously though, give my dad back. I dont like life without him...I want him with us. I dont want ot go through Ethan's bday without him there to share it. To look at pix from last years' bday knowing he was there, having a good time. I know I always say you never know what next year will bring but I never, ever thought it would bring life without my dad so soon. NEVER, I miss him so much it hurts. Why...why....why did this have to happen so soon, why weren't we granted some more time with such a special man. I don't want to ever forget him for one second, not that that's possible but seriiously...why isn't somebody giving him back to us. Minds are great for playing tricks...really great. THe dreams of him being alive...the sound of his voice so clear in the dreams. Pictures really are priceless...they mean so much to me. I am so glad we have alot of him. I'll remember him in the hospital and how he would be happy to see us and very rarely ask to stay later on come early the next day, I think he really thought he was a burden to us and he never ever was. I would do it all over again without hesitation. I hate that he suffered, I really hate that he suffered. Poor guy, poor poor guy. Suffering for anybody is not pleasant at all. Sometimes I feel as though I have to stop myself because I will keep going on and on and remember all the really, really rough spots. I loved that I had time with him alone and we would chat about things. He was so cute, somedays with the things he said and remembered. My meeting, I keep thinking about that too, Ihope it will bring some sort of closure for my family and I.
Awww Friday, 2 days off...2 days to have some more time to think about things and 2 days closer to Monday night meeting. I really enjoy what I learned and what to continually learn from the people at the meetings. Funny how you feel so close to people just by sharing the similar experiences. Seriously though, give my dad back. I dont like life without him...I want him with us. I dont want ot go through Ethan's bday without him there to share it. To look at pix from last years' bday knowing he was there, having a good time. I know I always say you never know what next year will bring but I never, ever thought it would bring life without my dad so soon. NEVER, I miss him so much it hurts. Why...why....why did this have to happen so soon, why weren't we granted some more time with such a special man. I don't want to ever forget him for one second, not that that's possible but seriiously...why isn't somebody giving him back to us. Minds are great for playing tricks...really great. THe dreams of him being alive...the sound of his voice so clear in the dreams. Pictures really are priceless...they mean so much to me. I am so glad we have alot of him. I'll remember him in the hospital and how he would be happy to see us and very rarely ask to stay later on come early the next day, I think he really thought he was a burden to us and he never ever was. I would do it all over again without hesitation. I hate that he suffered, I really hate that he suffered. Poor guy, poor poor guy. Suffering for anybody is not pleasant at all. Sometimes I feel as though I have to stop myself because I will keep going on and on and remember all the really, really rough spots. I loved that I had time with him alone and we would chat about things. He was so cute, somedays with the things he said and remembered. My meeting, I keep thinking about that too, Ihope it will bring some sort of closure for my family and I.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
February 1, 2007
I had a really good time last night with Kate, we talked about my dad and some other life issues. I find her so easy to talk to and be myself with. Then the disaster happened after I got home, too raw to ever write about. Needless to say, I missed and wanted my dad back so much. I've little sleep and I'm tired, upset on and on. I WANT MY DAD, GIVE HIM BACK TO ME.
I had a really good time last night with Kate, we talked about my dad and some other life issues. I find her so easy to talk to and be myself with. Then the disaster happened after I got home, too raw to ever write about. Needless to say, I missed and wanted my dad back so much. I've little sleep and I'm tired, upset on and on. I WANT MY DAD, GIVE HIM BACK TO ME.
Wednesday, January 31, 2007
January 31, 2007
Hmmmmmm what a morning already. Just took my anger out on a friend, oh man...it just comes in this wave and I dont seem to have much control over it. Better learn some ways to deal with it. However I am upset with this friend, who says I'm his best friend...well he had no problem being there for a casual friend...when her boyfriend died but has a hard time when it comes to me. Maybe I should rise above that and not allow his actions with someone else affect how I feel about him but it does. It does about alot of my friends, I am so pissed at them. I've known some for years and years. I know it's hard for them to know what to say, but isn't it harder for me going through it? Why are some people so selfish, that they can't move past their own feelings of being uncomfortable for the sake of friend. Can't they put aside those ackward feelings and move on? I hate Wednesdays, they will forever be a reminder of the day that my mom woke me up to tell me "Dad died"...I hate those words, I hate the reality of it. I hate living this life without him in it. I hate so many things, right now. My meeting will be next Tuesday with the hospital where I can address some issues. Society does give the impression that "moving on" is what you should do and at a rapid speed. Until it happens to someone, they just don't know....when you aren't part of the "Dead Dad's Club" you just don't know, especially if you were close to your dad. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt.......Writing helps, talking helps but it certainly doesnt cure or bring back my dad. I can't even throw a big enough tantrum to get him back.
Hmmmmmm what a morning already. Just took my anger out on a friend, oh man...it just comes in this wave and I dont seem to have much control over it. Better learn some ways to deal with it. However I am upset with this friend, who says I'm his best friend...well he had no problem being there for a casual friend...when her boyfriend died but has a hard time when it comes to me. Maybe I should rise above that and not allow his actions with someone else affect how I feel about him but it does. It does about alot of my friends, I am so pissed at them. I've known some for years and years. I know it's hard for them to know what to say, but isn't it harder for me going through it? Why are some people so selfish, that they can't move past their own feelings of being uncomfortable for the sake of friend. Can't they put aside those ackward feelings and move on? I hate Wednesdays, they will forever be a reminder of the day that my mom woke me up to tell me "Dad died"...I hate those words, I hate the reality of it. I hate living this life without him in it. I hate so many things, right now. My meeting will be next Tuesday with the hospital where I can address some issues. Society does give the impression that "moving on" is what you should do and at a rapid speed. Until it happens to someone, they just don't know....when you aren't part of the "Dead Dad's Club" you just don't know, especially if you were close to your dad. Pffffffffffffffffffffffffttttttttttttttttttttt.......Writing helps, talking helps but it certainly doesnt cure or bring back my dad. I can't even throw a big enough tantrum to get him back.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
January 30, 2007
I had a really bad morning yesterday, had to go hide and cry...bawl to be honest..then sit outside for a bit. Funny how it hits you and when. The meeting I went to last night was fantastic, I learned some great things and I feel normal...or kind of "normal" for what I'm feeling as so many others were/are feeling the same way. The speaker was great, he told us how "Time alone, doesnt heal, it's what you do with the time"...how once the numbness wears off you begin to feel the pain...how the denial is what is the cause of so many people not showing emotiong at the funeral....the list goes on. I am looking forward to next week. I am going to find his book and look on his site. What a great thing he is doing, what a great thing for us who have lost. My mom is seriously thinking of going to a Widow's group and I am so proud of her for that. I explained what he said last night....I want her to go and talk and share with others to get that comfort you get when you are surronded from others who are going through what you are going through. I am going to plant something at home as a "memorial" for him. I am so glad to know that my overflowing memories are common and that the anger and irritability are also common. Wow, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now knowing that this is common, funny how thinking that you are not "normal/common" can play tricks with the brain!!! I love and miss you dad, always and forever. You will always be my hero, and I will always be daddy's girl. Nobody will ever fill your shoes in my eyes, I'm sorry for the years you'll miss with us and miss watching your grandson grow. He misses you too dad, he loves you and I'll make sure he'll always know that you loved him so much, how you held on for him. Dad....I'm sorry you had to suffer, I wish I could make that part of your life never have happened for you, and that you never had cancer....and that you were still here. I miss your voice, your hugs...your laugh!!! I loved your jokes and how you would laugh at others. I am proud that I am so much like you, and I will never forget your kindness.
I had a really bad morning yesterday, had to go hide and cry...bawl to be honest..then sit outside for a bit. Funny how it hits you and when. The meeting I went to last night was fantastic, I learned some great things and I feel normal...or kind of "normal" for what I'm feeling as so many others were/are feeling the same way. The speaker was great, he told us how "Time alone, doesnt heal, it's what you do with the time"...how once the numbness wears off you begin to feel the pain...how the denial is what is the cause of so many people not showing emotiong at the funeral....the list goes on. I am looking forward to next week. I am going to find his book and look on his site. What a great thing he is doing, what a great thing for us who have lost. My mom is seriously thinking of going to a Widow's group and I am so proud of her for that. I explained what he said last night....I want her to go and talk and share with others to get that comfort you get when you are surronded from others who are going through what you are going through. I am going to plant something at home as a "memorial" for him. I am so glad to know that my overflowing memories are common and that the anger and irritability are also common. Wow, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders now knowing that this is common, funny how thinking that you are not "normal/common" can play tricks with the brain!!! I love and miss you dad, always and forever. You will always be my hero, and I will always be daddy's girl. Nobody will ever fill your shoes in my eyes, I'm sorry for the years you'll miss with us and miss watching your grandson grow. He misses you too dad, he loves you and I'll make sure he'll always know that you loved him so much, how you held on for him. Dad....I'm sorry you had to suffer, I wish I could make that part of your life never have happened for you, and that you never had cancer....and that you were still here. I miss your voice, your hugs...your laugh!!! I loved your jokes and how you would laugh at others. I am proud that I am so much like you, and I will never forget your kindness.
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